The City

Behold! Shining skyscrapers of the future, conquering the skies. Tram lines, metro lines, waiting lines. Out through the window, I see the spectacle unfurling. People rushing, people running, people walking. Businessmen, artists, workers, students all blending below me. They all know where they are going, they all have control over their lives. Their purpose is clear, their goals are set in stone. There is no reason to reflect, as reflecting means standing still in the middle of the rush, and there’s no time to waste. A job interview here, an exposition there, an advertising about the latest technological advancements on a screen in the middle of the intersection. The cars and the pedestrians play a game. One waits, the other goes. The other waits, the rest go. Gone are the days of having all our animals in the city for nourishment, in a show of shit, bad odors covered with perfume and deadly plagues. No, the animals are far away now, in large farms for the better feeding of mankind. I take a deep breath of air mixed with car exhaust, to remind myself that we have reached the pinnacle of civilization and that we are far away from the age of savagery.

            I walk around the city center. I am fascinated and overwhelmed by all the flashing lights, by all the glowing neon signs from the shops, by all the noise. I am part of a concrete organism and there is no clear way out. But only a fool would want to be out of the city, where all the action is. Where could one find bars to drink in for hours, internships at top international companies, media centers, shopping malls and more outside of the city? The only reason I would ever imagine wanting to leave the city is to visit my parents in our small mountain town, or perhaps taking a stroll through the woods. But even in those moments, I know I would be missing out. The city is busy forever transforming, and not being there means being excluded. And that is not an option. The city owns me and I belong underneath the shadows of the buildings. It is the factory that elevated me out of poverty, and I am the faithful worker. I keep my eyes straight. I do what I am told to. I do not bother anyone. I don’t litter the ground with trash. I pet and feed every dog I see. I have to admit that I do feel lonely sometimes. In certain moments, I look through the window inside a café. The people there are laughing and seeming to have a good time. I am not concerned, however. I know that if I do my job right and walk between the narrow lines set before me, the city will reward me with great wealth and personal achievement.

There are parts of the city I do not go to. I have been told not to go there, because the people there are different than the people I know. The drug addicts, the insane, the homeless, the immigrants, the others. I do not like the others, because they ruin the city. They ruin the beauty with their ugliness, the balance with their instability. One day, I had the misfortune of walking down one of their streets. Unlike the normal people, who stay in their homes, minding their own business, the others sit on the street. I was surprised to see them laughing and being cheerful, as their children played in the middle of the street with a ball. But they stopped being joyful when they saw me. And I know they knew I was not like them. And I know they hated me for it. I could see it in their eyes. I don’t want to hate them, but they give me no choice. They do not work. They complain about everything. They litter the ground. They make 5-6 children despite clearly not having the financial situation to help raise them. They are the architects out of their own misery. I cannot stand such people. They distract me from my goals. I do not want to see them, it makes me angry. They hate me, but only if they knew the great struggles I have been through. They do not know the sleepless nights, working in a gas station. They do not know the stress of the countless job interviews. I never complained. I kept doing what I was supposed to be doing. I did not look left or right, to get distracted by vices. I’m a racing horse and the finish line is my only purpose. I have nothing to share with those who complain about their current situation, rather than trying to work for their betterment.

There are moments when I walk in the park to feed the ducks. There are these peculiar thoughts that occur, as I am looking at the ripple of the water. And the more I look at the movement of the water, the more I get mesmerized, the more I slowly start to get lost. Everything starts to slow down around me. The people walk slower, the clouds remain static. The car honks become distorted as they reach my ears. My heartbeat gets lower. And for a moment, everything just stops. I stay in the moment for what feels like an eternity. And then, suddenly, it all collapses. I start feeling very heavy. I become overwhelmed by this feeling of profound sadness. I do not know where it comes from, but it causes me extreme discomfort. It almost makes me hate the city, the people and myself. I need to sit down because the feelings are dragging me down. The ducks got scared away by my sudden movement towards the bench. I take a deep breath. I say a short prayer in my mind that my mum use to tell me when I was a child. I repeat as many times as needed until I regain some form of equilibrium. I do not want to seem odd to the rest, because then I would also become like the others. And then the good crowd will no longer accept me. And that would mean losing everything. I have to confess, I really wish I had someone to share that feeling with. But I doubt anyone would understand. I hardly understand, either. Besides, giving myself so much importance to even believe someone would stop to listen to me, when we are all so busy in pursuing our goals, is an act of extreme arrogance. I need to keep going. I need to work with what I have. There is no other way.

The sun’s rays gently enter through the curtains, playing on the wall of my apartment. I get up and go towards the window. Outside, the city lights spread through the morning smog. A new day dawns over the city. I need to keep going.