On Thinking Patterns

We go on with our days under routine and habit, with the occasional outbursts of chaos, spontaneity and surprise. Whether we choose and plan our routine carefully, or whether it develops in a certain shape out of inertia can lead to very different kinds of outcomes. Certain elements of the routine, like waking up in the morning and having breakfast, going out, doing what we ought to do, relates more to our interaction to the external environment around us. However, at the same time with our external patterns, we have our thinking patterns which often blend or stand in contrast with our day to day lives. The kind of thinking patterns we have can become very messy if left to their own devices and managing them is hard to say the least. Observation is a good step in getting a better understanding on the way you think about things and your general approach to what’s around. As you probably know yourself, dear reader, is that we tend to overthink many aspects of our life and do a pretty good job at overcomplicating the simple things. We get drawn in imaginary stories about why things happened, attribute values to events that do not reflect the actual happenings, as well as also finding a way, one way or another, to justify why we have failed, or why we were awkward in a specific instance. It usually goes into blaming the other person or an external factor for the misfortune, or fall in the other extreme, of self-blame and self-sabotage, low self-esteem and other such delightful thoughts. All of these thoughts function in a patterned way. We get triggered by specific factors, which usually lead to the same kind of repeating behavior to further amplify the feeling given by the trigger. To exemplify, you probably were in a type of situation in which something hurt you, bothered you, angered you, in any case eliciting a strong emotional reaction, usually negative. Chances are that then you resorted to a certain kind of routine. You sat down and played your playlist of sad songs, you relived, re-imagining what caused you pain over and over again, and there you are, sitting for 3 hours, in a state of inertia, tormenting yourself and feeling anxious. You surely weren’t there for the first time. Odds are that you know too well that dark corner. In a way, you feel attracted to it. Even worse, you will probably go out of your way to get to the trigger that causes it. And you know it is not good for you. But still, you persist in going there. In your worst moments, you might even ask yourself why do you deserve all this pain, despite blatantly doing it to yourself in a quite systematic matter and with great precision. After all, the sad song playlist didn’t invent itself, and nobody is forcing you to click on it.

     Breaking out of this is never easy and it can take months, to years just to be able to modify the kind of patterned dark thought processes you have. I am still struggling myself, after banging my head against the wall and wondering why I have a headache for a long period of time. How this relates to our tendency to seek out suffering is something I will write about some other time. These patterns developed as ways of structuring our interaction with the world in a way that our comfort seeking mind can get some rest. The fact that exactly the opposite can happen is a different story, related to our traumas, bad moments, unpleasant memories and so on. Fear is paralyzing and anxiety is one of the most willing friends who want to get to meet you in your minds. But in opening the door to accept her in and letting her make you feel uncomfortable, you have much more control than you think you have. The problem is not necessarily in opening the door. If she is to visit, she will come, with or without your permission. The feeling will be there, either way. However, what you attribute to it, the value you give it and the complicated story you build around it, either to justify its presence, or to justify why the bad things she tells are true, is where your own control and initiative comes. This is also the point where you can develop different kind of patterns when interacting with her, but you also can choose to take the energy she gives you and create. This is of course, easier said than done. And for those of you who have a chemical imbalance in the brain and diagnosed with all sorts of personality disorders or depression, the situation is much more complicated, as you know on your own skin. However, I do firmly believe that there are methods of working with it, working with the sudden rush of energy and emotion and being able to bring something positive and/or worthwhile out of it. One shouldn’t get angry in the low moments, as that will add even more layers over something that is already negative. In the moments when I go in the dark corner, I laugh at myself, because I realize the silliness of my thought process, as well as reminding myself that I have been here many times before and that what I think is in no way real. This does not remove the emotion itself, but in certainly helps in easing up the process. Removing the trigger completely is not something I believe is possible, but how you relate to it is something that can be worked on.

     This is it for now, I’ll add further remarks in further writings. This is of course with the positive assumption that someone even made it this far in what I wrote. Maybe you still are, in that case, I hope you enjoyed. If you aren’t, at least I know I will entertain myself 20 years from now, looking back at these thoughts and seeing if anything changed or not in my way of approaching these issues.

Blessed week to you, dear reader

-Vlad